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  • BelchBy Belch

Dear @TRoeland,

As the official “Social Media and Internet Talkie Director of Standard Mountain Time Operations” I was greatly disturbed to hear about your concern about the lack of coverage regarding the Tour de France. I would like to extend my most sincere apologies and hope the following take on boring bike riding tickles your fancy. If you do have any other requests for strange sports topics that I can guarantee our writers know nothing about, please do not hesitate to shoot us a tweet.


Belch (aka the best bartender you know)

Bikes. If you have ever walked anywhere or briskly jogged from one location to another, you know that it is not an easy or efficient task. As a large man with no ability to better my body, the issue of “walking” has been one that I have engaged in a life long battle with. Thanks to delivery pizza and drive-in burgers, the most that I have to do is walk to my car and back. So being that there is a sport that moves people from two points through bikes is kind of a compromise.

Bikes were invented in the early 18-somethings by a guy named Mike. When they were trying to give him the credit they spelled his name wrong and it was changed to bike. The British tried to make it longer by calling it “bicycle,” but that only made Mike mad, so Americans just call them “bikes.”

When Mike made the bicycle, he imagined a world of faster travel, gear shifting, and long, useless races that are only covered by “C” budget TV channels. So he was pleased to hear that France decided to make the longest, and most boring race, mostly because they have nothing else to do.

The Tour de (du, do, da, duh, etc) France is the World Series of riding a bike with or without the use of steroids. Most people in America are known for having the same amount of Tour de France titles than renowned cyclist Lance Armstrong, but that’s a whole different story that could probably fill one HBO documentary.

The Tour itself is approximately 3,500 kilometers and has been shrouded in its share of controversies. This year, the Tour is known for its inability to draw viewers and the gorgeous girls that bring flowers to each step’s winner. I have considered getting into biking just because of these women, but have been shot down by the idea of work.

Belgium’s Andre Greipel was the latest winner, and I’m sure that means something. The guy wearing the yellow jersey is Belgium’s Tony Martin, and what I have learned so far is simple: the race is confusing, the commentary is ridiculous, the women are phenomenal, and Belgium has a knack for ignoring the magic of the automobile.

Keep up the good work NBC, on your alternate programming!

3 years ago
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